Free to be me

What does it mean to be independent?
We have all these unspoken rules of behavior, a sort of moral code that we navigate life with.  Bound to behave in a certain way, like keeping other people happy and ignoring our own inherent need for freedom.

butterfly jen quote

5 is the number of freedom.  In fact the word freedom vibrates to that number.  All of us at some point of in our lives have to play in 5 energy. Whether it is a number that shows up in your numeric code or not.   And 5 is the number of change.

In that careful navigation we  get lost  in our eagerness to please others, assuming that “THEY” the moral police, know what matters to us. Wanting to make our loved ones happy, because we are trained to believe if we make them happy, we would be happy.

Having lived much of my life by that “THEY SAY”  people code,  carefully balancing all the bits so I wouldn’t offend anyone or take advantage, i know first hand what happens when we ignore our desire to be free.   We trap ourselves in self denial.

Making a fool of myself or standing out, perhaps by offending someone because I didn’t agree with them was out of the question.  Instead I stuffed down my truth so I could carry a flag for someone else’s.     I had opinions but they were like butterflies trapped in a bell jar.  Going nowhere.

Doing right by other’s makes sense, and we do learn much of this as children.  You may not have been encouraged to be all you could be.  Oh you might have heard the words, but what went on behind closed doors was seldom about living free.

numbers pic 7

None of us are meant to be a carbon copy or an exact match yet, in that need to please, we twist ourselves into places that damage us deeply.  On the surface my life looked lovely as a child, and in many ways it was.   People thought my mom was such a hoot, they wanted one just like her.  She was incredible and I love her dearly, but she was also full of her own shadows.   She wanted freedom and felt trapped by her fears, and I felt shut out.   When you live with someone, you can find your rhythm in theirs, and you learn how it is ‘supposed’ to be.  This is not reality, it is a form of moral bullshit.  I didn’t know better then and neither did she, but I do know what I need now.  Hallelujah!

My mom’s number 7, kept her emotionally aloof, because she unconsciously chose shadow from of her experiences growing up.  It is in a mind number that can over think things, and get people trapped in the past. This clashed with my number 6, which is all about family love, and brought forth my people pleaser, who became my safety buffer.  6 can become a martyr with high expectations that lead to lots of disappointment, when in shadow. Unlike its power behavior which is all about taking responsibility for self and loving people for who they are.
Yes, that was me.  A 6 in shadow, because I put pleasing others in front of my needs, thinking (my number 7) I was doing the right thing.  Except it brought out the worst in me, and made me feel wronged.  I couldn’t reason with the result nor makes sense of my fear.

I learned to pretend that all was well, so much so, that I had absolutely no idea what made me happy.  My mom and I were both living in the shadow of our numbers without knowing it. And my mom was only one example of how I thought I needed to be someone else, in order to be loved ergo free.

actually it does matterAs a result I constantly found myself denying what mattered to me.  In fact “it doesn’t matter” is a saying I said so many times, I believed it.  But the truth is it does matter.  It took good friends who love me for who I am now, to remind me that if I bring up something, it is because it matters.  And thats ok.  I am allowed to speak up for what matters to me.  Just as you are allowed to speak up about what matters to you.

Part of owning my individuality.  Standing up for myself is in listening and hearing not only truths from others, but also my own inner truth.  Being ok with all of me, so I can evolve.  Of course having the wisdom of my numbers to draw on helps, too. Now I have a sense of compassion for my mom and me.  It really does make life easier.  Your inner truths must line up with your outer truths.

Knowing my numbers frees me, because I recognize the shadow and I know how to move from shadow into light.  Being free to be me, also means I can’t blame others for what shows up in my life.   Yes, it is a responsibility, and it is a relief.  I feel light and joyful in sharing my experiences and thoughts without guilt or shame.   I feel rich in this freedom.

What of you?   What does freedom mean to you?

If you want to discover your Success Numbers so you can freely live on purpose, and in joy, take a look at my services page.

Success by the numbers

What measures your success – A big house, fame or following your desire?

Success is more than an idea or action, our beings are wired for success. Yet many get caught in chasing the trappings not the joy.

Sparkly items masquerade as success but the truth is you are driven by the song of your soul.  Success asks you to name what you seek, and pursue it. There is no shame in desire, practice or failure, throw in a slight willingness to be vulnerable and different and suddenly the world is more generous. The outskirts of what you know is uncomfortable and exciting, yes and if you want to feast on the juicy berries you must risk thorns and bramble. Adventures & rewards don’t happen while you snooze on the couch.

paris pleasure

 

Passion and determination manifest personal success, while pursuing ‘trappings’ or the illusion of success can become a prison.

Success asks us to act, to experience the process. This is no wallflower activity, you must invite your desire to dance. A child learns to walk because they are driven to be uprightly mobile. That obstacle course includes a series of steps: try, fail, rest and do it again, till they walk with ease.

Mastering a skill allows you the freedom to run and skip. Doing what fascinates and practicing till you jump the next hurdle.  No athlete is an instant medalist, it takes hours of grueling practice and focusing on the goal to achieve the gold.

The numeric vibration of success equals 17/8 reminding you, that what you place your energy on, in this quest for success will leave a lasting impact. The number eight is the symbol of infinity, what goes around, comes around. Manifesting wealth requires self ownership and leading by example. The willingness to do what it takes, even if that means doing something over and over till it comes naturally as breathing.  The key is to practice without worrying about the outcome, by focusing on the experience.

success

It is true that mental and emotional blocks can impede your progress, sometimes that includes hiding passion behind a wall of bland.  Fear is a reminder that stuff is in the way. Something unknown or new needs to be looked at closely and dealt with. Personally I have found these past few months incredibly trying and fearful and yet every action has created a greater ease, self awareness and clarity.

Somedays I just vegetate, and that is ok.  I need time to process my fear, and if I get crazy and beat myself up for being afraid, it makes it worse, because then I am focusing on the fear instead of what I want to do.   I discovered that only way through the fear is like learning to walk. Try small steps, fall, rest and then up again onward to the next milestone or fall.   I am driven to speak my truth and push beyond comfortable, because it is actually fun, rewarding, and very freeing once I get through the icky sticky part.  I spent too long waiting for my prince to come.  Someone else was going to save me from my misery, poverty and lack of power.

Lol.  yeah.  Right.  Well, after I got over that illusion of the supposed to happen fairytale,  I discovered that fear is not the enemy. I was standing in waiting for permission to declare and fight for my dream.  No one else can give you permission, you just have to take it.

success the word

You get to chose your experience. No matter what, you have to evolve.  Being born means you grow, age and die.  Bodies continually change, as do minds.  You can sit in that and resist, refusing to budge, you get sucked into more of the same. Choose or have your fate decided. Whatever your chosen role hardly matters if you are not fired up to do something, to succeed at some goal, giving meaning and metamorphosis to your days.  You came here for a reason, maybe today is a good day to get started on uncovering that reason.

You may worry about not having enough money, being overpowered or getting it wrong.  The mind can take you into those places.  Yet the number 17/8 reminds you that success happens through doing.  That energy you engage in fires up the alchemic structure of ‘successing’  – practicing what feels inspired and grounded.  Your individual ideas and determination. coupled with learning and honing your intuition.  Whatever you create must be born of self in joy and balance spiritual and material in order to succeed.

Feeling a sense of accomplishment in the measured steps to the castle of success, which allows me to push through my own fear and see myself evolve, making me rich beyond measure. What can you do light your alchemic sense of success?

Take the time to get to know the song of your soul.

Take your power back, slowly and surely by practicing expressing your voice in whatever way speaks to you.

flying on wings

“Be not the slave of your own past – plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep, and swim far, so you shall come back with new self-respect, with new power, and with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old.”     Ralph Waldo Emerson

Moving through those fears can require clearing the barriers with an Akashic Record Reading  – claim yours by clicking here. 

Number Lessons – The Connection of Two

Choice is key in number two, governing relationships and acceptance. 2 acts as a bridge between these two ideas, since all acceptance is not equal, sometimes it is necessary to go with the flow but we still have a choice in how we show up. Many of us believe we have no choice yet we get to choose what we accept. Do you accept your potential or the circumstance that appears cannot change? One word, two meanings.

Two Chairs

When my marriage was on it’s last legs, I knew I didn’t have the heart to fix what had failed. Nor the courage to walk out the door.  Until I reached a point of no return, convenient lies could no longer influence my choice.  A terrifying time for me, since I was barely able to sleep for fear of the future, while simultaneously experiencing profound relief that there was no going back.

How many times have you swallowed the belief that you were trapped in a situation?  Life has struggles, challenges and disappointments, and we can choose the outlook and even the destination if we are willing.

It is not the journey that defines us, it is our attitude.

Do you believe your life is happening to you or are making it happen? Looking back I see moments of magic, lost. because I hid what I wanted from my partner, pretending all was well, manipulating instead of expressing. Nowadays I am willing to feel what comes up, get clear, and ask for what I need. I do much better when I ground, get curious, and take action.  Our connections with ourselves and others is continually evolving.  I still have doubts and procrastinate. But I want what is on the other side more. Real relationships, with less sulking and suffering in silence, on the sidelines.  I don’t want to be a wallflower at my own ball.

you are only seeing half the picture

Partnership is forged by two ones or a group of ones, all being individual, connected by a common cause, at the same time.  Our own heart and heads are often at war with one another, or even with people that don’t agree with us. Connection doesn’t require agreement about everything, but we must be willing to communicate openly and accept who the other person is.  Stand in who we are and still meet in the middle.

Deciphering the truth between dark and light / right and wrong /masculine and feminine, without offending anyone is an impossible task. And not required.

We will get hurt sometimes, and at other times we may hurt others, hopefully unintentionally. What matters is that we can talk about it, without having to sacrifice ourselves to be “safe” or loved more.  You love you, that is your relationship with yourself.  All the other partnerships and collaborations in your life are gravy. They still need work, because relationships are what help you grow.

the art of conversation

Many of us have suffered through power grabs betrayal and manipulative actions of others.  If we pretend, there is no honesty or respect and we don’t have a relationship, we have a war.  Surrendering to being vulnerable, capable of setting boundaries that create a deep sense of safety and security are hallmarks of the number two. Make no mistake, the two is a powerful and essential number in life.

Consciously or unconsciously we are constantly called to decide. Sometimes doing what makes no sense, until something compels us to act ‘out of the box’. Free will at work. Othertimes our world turns upside down through ‘an act of God’ and we are shifted into a new game. Once again feeling free or trapped in circumstance. All of these experiences draw on the ying and yang of partnership. The delicate, supple strength of 2, which sits facing the one, ready to be of service.  Or, to be in servitude.  Our attitude to our relationships is what steers this choice.

Whether we want to stand in our own power or give it away. Speak about our truth or be washed away in the tide of someone else’s.  Every moment as a being on earth we are called to decide about who we are in a relationship. What we value and are willing to transform to reach that place.  Because two is a number of manifestation, through committing to making a partnership work, we grow and create the beauty we seek in peace, harmony and love.

numbers 1

Willing to work on the details that make us want to run away, push through the struggle and use the masculine and feminine elements within the structure of the two to find a balance..   A generous loving heart and the mettle to be a negotiator, a diplomat, not a doormat.  Bringing ideas, people and possibility together, in spite of fear, power struggles, and hidden agendas. Choosing to surrender to your truth, brings the ability to connect and collaborate to a far deeper level than anything that can happen through coercion or discontent.   Bring all of yourself into this moment.  Asking for what you want does not mean you will get all you ask for, but it will allow you to celebrate being heard.  And is that not what we all strive for as we build relationships?

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love   Jen

 

 

 

 

Number lessons :- Becoming number one

From the time of Eve and Adam a woman has been portrayed as a whiny temptress, who traps and destroys the fabric of society, through her desires. Ergo, no woman should have desires so all of humanity is “safe”, which then activate fear and denial.  What shifts this story into one with a happy ending?

alcove westerbeke

Embracing the power of one.

Taught to shut your pie hole and stop being so selfish,  denied the right to be passionate in case you tempt, how do you embrace being number one in your life?

In the past I was trapped into placating the world so I wouldn’t make waves. I hid my desires so deep, I wasn’t aware I had any. Even down to what I wanted to eat. Now I am on the road to Paradise, allowing my own senses to lead me astray (in a good way).  I have found the deepest joy in being able to follow my heart, and sink my teeth into my life.  I used to think I needed to behave, so some man would find me suitable.  Now I don’t care about being suitable, I want to own all of me.  Live fully and love who I am.

Come first in my own life.

With relationships that are mutually respectful.  I believe it enables me to have better connection with the people in my life because I don’t expect anyone to save me.  If I was in the Garden of Eden, and wanted to eat the apple, I wouldn’t worry about what Adam wanted.  I would take a bite and walk off, apple in hand.  My life, my choice.   Adam’s life his choice.

qigong westerbeke

What would you do?   Do you think your life is lighter when you listen deepest to your own voice?

Now that I have found my voice I get to do things for myself I would never have done in the old days. I give myself treats that fill my soul.  If I want to be treated well I need to honor my own needs. So last weekend I attended a juicy qigong retreat with my mentor Vicki held at the glorious Westerbeke Ranch in Sonoma.   We gathered to learn the beautiful Lotus form, which illustrates in movement the journey through the muck the lotus seed must endure to blossom.  Which means we have to walk through struggle, face the inevitable battle to birth our own beauty and individuality.  Last weekend felt like a purification of power, shifting further into my oneness.

water lilies

Why the big hoopla to be number one ?   Our safety depends on our willingness to stand up for ourselves.  To know who we are and what we stand for. Otherwise we can easily be swayed by someone else’s story, and be destroyed by it.

That is the power of the number one.   Standing our ground.  Every idea, change or revolution begins with one person who is willing to stand for something.  Birthing that seed of self.

Numbers are an energetic language that reveal clues about our world on a universal and human level. From binary to energetic 1’s and 0’s hold the secret to life in the positive and negative/ light and dark/ masculine and feminine. The zero, a circle of life contains everything and nothing. Number one heralds new beginnings, that straight line of original thought. Bringing out the self reliant leader, ruled by no other master.  Like the Mast of a ship, strong, tall, essential, number one. Carrying the sails and the crow’s nest to move and see all, backbone of the journey, mastering destiny.

labyrinth westerbeke

What inspires you to be you?   No matter what?  Who are you?

As a kid, I was inspired by my dad quoting “I am the Master of my Fate, the Captain of my Soul” from Invictus a poem by William Ernst Henry.  My dad strove to instill within us kids a sense of self ownership. It took many storms but finally I claimed my own ship.  It doesn’t mean there is never rough winds, but as long as I trust who I am, I have the courage to push through the pain.

What is your number one power?

If you are over worried about what other people think, you may never stand tall enough to steer that ship.  It is said that Eve was made from Adam’s rib. But the back story is Lilith.  A woman made from the clay of the earth. Strong, and equal to Adam. She wanted to be on top. I guess both Adam and Lilith wanted to master each other, instead of themselves. Maybe that is why they left the garden of Eden.  Not because they were banished, but because they didn’t understand the rule of one.   We don’t come to earth to turn others into slaves or enslave ourselves.  We come as equals, not the same, different, yet still equivalent, with no soul greater than another.

My dad grew up very poor, an immigrant son, in charge of shaping his own life. The family provided the basics, the rest was up to him.

selfie group westerbeke

His journey was like the growth of the Lotus, pushing through muck to birth his dream, bringing to blossom the incredible glory of each individualized Lotus petal.   Everyone of us, contains within us the desire to birth our individuality and bring forth our beauty.   However we must find our own sense of self, our super one power.

What my dad taught me, through his determined effort, was to hold onto the fire and roots needed to own my fate.  Never give up the dream, no matter what.

What do you believe about being number one?

white one

Yes the fear of standing your ground can churn up shadow behavior, like the mud the roots of the lotus live in.  There can be indecisiveness, repressed feelings, boredom, and possibly defensiveness.  Hiding our need to be who we are, in the shadows can create a convoluted mess that damages everything we touch.  There is no shame in struggle.

Being number one is a challenge and a victory.   The moment the lotus bud burst through the stem into the light above water is a mastery of visibility and willingness to stand in her power.

How will your Lotus bloom?

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 love,

 

Jen

 

 

Turning Fear into action step 2

Life is like a restaurant, how do you get to sip and savor the best dishes without tasting fear?  Sometimes even though you know what you want, you hesitate and order what you eat often, or what someone else is having. because making a choice costs more than you wanted to spend.  Then the disappointment and self sabotage sets in, because fear overpowered your choice.

Paris Restaurant

A tricky dish.  Some say that in order to know what we want, we have to be aware of what we don’t want.  I am not sure that is the best way to choose the most delicious course.   Because often we look at our life menu, and focus on the missing ingredients that would make daily consumption more tasty.  But how does that make this meal better?  If I want a new experience I much rather focus on the essence that delights, even if fear has the first bite.

Maybe the most devastating of all decisions at the table of life, is no decision. I sat there much of my life, wanting desperately to do the right thing, order the usual, but it didn’t taste right. I feared eating only what stirred my taste buds because that meant I would have to go hungry many times, or risk eating something horrible.

Salad in Paris

All because of my fear of Fear. It felt safe to fool myself that I was free, by not acting.  But all those dishes of fear I ate cold, gnawed my bones and splintered my heart.  Till fear numbed my appetite and closed down my senses. Swallowing stopped.

When I realized there is no wrong decision, only a point of entry for making change, it changed my world.  Instead of worrying that one decision would ruin my life (and my last chance for a good meal) I realized I could inch along one tiny decision at a time to a whole new banquet. Nibble on an appetizer, make a meal of it, until I was ready to go bigger. It so happens that the aromas I inhaled on this path, had me willing to decide faster, with three steps.

Fear is one ingredient not the whole meal.

Step 2  (read about step one click here and step 3 click here)

Choose what road to take.

That thought would terrify me, but using the inching out of the fear method had me willing to risk more. Plus knowing the strengths and challenges of my life purpose and destiny numbers.  How would I fulfill my destiny if I lived scared?

sunflowers in touraine

See I was ignoring change to stop fear, till I realized that making a choice was powerful.  It gave me a voice to feel into what I wanted and to walk my soul road.  A new path creates excitement has you salivating.  Yes, it comes with a fleeting sensation of dread in case you screw up, but there is joy too.  Reverence for choosing passion over the dull sure thing.    Because a sure thing is not always a sure thing.  The known is as risky as the unknown, only we get confused by the imaginary fear of being a worrier not a warrior.

Risk is always present and at some point, we must be willing to do something that we haven’t tasted fully if at all.   You are going to suck at doing something new, and you will do it over ( or try that dish again ) until eventually, after practice and effort you can do that once dreaded thing with the greatest of ease  ( or eat snails with relish ).The beauty of making a choice instead of sitting down waiting, is that you are excited.  Empowered and even in awe of your own potential.

How can you simplify your choice ?  Reduce to two items, two paths and pick one?

Door number 20

Do the Gut check. How do I know if this is the right choice? Well there is the rub, right?  Fear fills all the cracks solid, and it can make moving feel impossible. Until you decide that you will move no matter what.  What if you take option B?   And it doesn’t work the way you dreamed?  At every given moment you can course correct. We don’t know how it’s going to go until we get started.

Every choice is the right choice. The question becomes, is this the best choice for right now?  Or what do I need to know to move forward?  And go out and find that information so you can continue.

Plate of food Denver

I decided one day I wasn’t going to rollover anymore because I was afraid of what would happen.  One decision 4 years ago, has re-birthed my soul. It was a slow crawl to freedom, and now I can stand upright.

Soup or dessert?  Roll the idea around your tongue, feel it in your body.  Listen for the nod, and then take action.  Order, lift your fork, breathe it in, and taste that sublime flavor!

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 Jen

 

 

Reducing Fear Step One

Fear is an emotion, that carries a lot of weight.

For good reason.  Fear is a warning, either to beware of danger or information that doing something different will take you out of a known zone.  Often our reptile brains assume that something new is not safe. Actually doing what damages us repeatedly, is less safe.  Here is step one to moving past fear to action.

Falls between Canada and USA

Stagnation is destructive.  Everything shifts and moves, like the tide coming in and out.  You can be a stone buried in the sand and still the water erodes your shape, topples your balance, bringing you to your knees. Moving you along despite resistance.

I was motionless for a long time.  Waiting for life to open her arms and tell me she loved and approved of me, that all my suffering was going to be rewarded.  But life doesn’t care for gestures and sulks.  Only truth in action, that walking towards her, in willingness. I could wait for things to get better, but as long as I expected my life to be cured without my participation, nothing I wanted was going to show up.  I was afraid to speak up in case it offended someone, or got me booed off stage.

Clock in earth Canada

My precious life was on hold and had little to do with my desires or passions.  With very good excuse, since I was terrified to own up to my ‘shortcomings’,, and what I could not predict nor plan for.  As I watched the water of my life change my shape, I found the strength to move into action. Tiny steps toward the sound of the secrets buried within me. Once I shifted how I was looking at ‘my truth’ I discovered a treasure chest of riches. I contained so much more and had so much more than I had seen, when looking through fear.  All signs pointed to what was possible, if I was willing to begin to actively engage in the dance.   Like the quote from The Alchemist by Paulo Coehlo- “He had to chose between thinking of himself as the poor victim of a thief and as an adventurer in search of his treasure.”

Champagne toast

Looking back I can trace the 3 steps I took to turn my mess into movement. Shifts require choices and with the first difficult step taken, each step became easier, with a new viewpoint – that adventurer within me awakened. Changing from comfortable to uncomfortable is a cycle I have grown accustomed to and I now recognize those flutters in my stomach as excitement.

Here are the 3 Steps

1. Decide to do something different.
2. Choose what road to take.
3. Ask for help and be open enough to receive.

Read more about Step 3 here.

Step 1.   Nothing changes if you sit in your living room, polluting the energy pool with regret, or complaints. Ironic, but the more you fret about what is not working, the more you are drawn into that place of lack, and the greater the fear that divides you from what you desire. That universal principle of what you focus on expands at work.

Jen

How do you let go of what you know, to get what you want?  First of all, you don’t need to know the details, only the next goal. Our thoughts are insistent suppositions. Minds love the familiar and forge  a groove in our brain, so if we “get off track” panic rears. Thinking too much stops action and creates reaction.  So it is essential that you do something to move the needle out of the groove. Let in the light with creative exploration.  Whatever that looks like to you, it can be sketching, journaling or walking.   Barbara Stanny’s “Overcoming Underearning” book very motivating when I was first getting started.

Begin creating in the present, you are on your adventure right now. How you react, who you want to be, is freely available to you at any time. Fear is not your master unless you give it that power. Take charge of the words you think, speak and breathe, and accept responsibility for making decisions, that feel good.   Shift your perspective by looking at your life as something you get to shape. Fear doesn’t disappear, it morphs, and becomes less about doom and more about the excitement of becoming more of who you are here to be. Once I started appreciating what was around me, humming to the song of gratitude, life started to shift, and those shadowy fears began slipping away.

Pineapples

Doing something different, making a choice that is new, is scary.  But all journeys require a decision.   Should I stay or should I go? Is the left path better?

Truthfully a path is just a path.  It is the attitude you bring along that changes your experience. When you make up your mind to face up to the first hurdle and prove that fear is not the answer, you create room in your heart and head to see more and be more. No one else is in charge of your life.  It may feel like it, but how you react and what you react to is entirely up to you.  Yes, you are that powerful. Try it.  Next time you feel totally irritated about standing in line for instance, decide to take control of how you react.  Smile, relax your stance and jaw, and feel the tension float off.  You are in line for a very good reason, enjoy it.

I chose to change big and small things about myself, on this adventure, signing up to let my wings emerge.  I went beyond the first Akashic Reading because I wanted to hear with my ears what my heart had been hiding.  Every discovery has brought me closer to my gold. Choose to go inward, to discover the breath of your soul.

Tips to Easing Fear

Wanting a different life should be easy to make happen. Just like going on diet. Only you can’t stop thinking about the sweet things you want to eat, and not eating them is a challenge. On top of which, life’s annoyances require a little candy to get by. All good reasons to be fearful, yet fear stifles.
SONY DSC

As a mom, a woman and yes a person on a journey that begun the day I was born, I have often been tempted to take that spiritual path to lose my fears, knowing that there was more beyond that fence. But I just couldn’t stop indulging my sweet tooth, (still working on that one) and falling into the habit of complaining about what a struggle life is. Fear sweet talked me big time! I said I wanted a different life, but I didn’t want to do the work to help myself to get there.

And that spiritual part? Don’t get me started. All the spiritual types that showed up in my world raised my hackles. They didn’t seem to want pretty things or care how they looked and insisted it was their way or the highway. I like luxury and I believe surroundings matter. Call me a brat or a bitch, but dumpy shoes, or living in ugly is not my kind of wonderful. We don’t need to think alike to live expansively. I knew something was missing because my heart hurt, while my mind couldn’t stop worrying about the what ifs.

I didn’t know I could do it my way, so I stayed where I was. Trapped, silent and in pain. It took three steps to move me forward beyond that bone yard of fear to living honestly with myself. Not every day is rainbows and lollipops but the truth is my life is beautiful and I celebrate that freedom to be me, every single day.

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Lying in the lavender.

Those three steps went like this:
1. Decide to do something different.
2. Choose what road to take.
3. Ask for help and be open enough to receive.

Step 3 was maybe the toughest because I had to open myself. Show someone else or a whole lot of other people that I didn’t know what I was doing, had messed up and swept shit under the carpet. For a long time I pretended I was happy, that everything was fine. I lied about it all, and maybe the worst part was that I couldn’t feel the deep love I wanted to feel.
I didn’t even understand love. I thought it was about doing things for other people. Buying them stuff and making their favorite foods. And getting everyone to play nice. More pretending. It looked pretty but it was a hot tangled mess. Receiving was way beyond my understanding, there was no place for anything to land in my frozen heart.

But I made myself get out of the way, buried the pride I kept falling over and reached out and got help, a whole lot of it. Help is out there, waiting to be asked, when you start looking. It wasn’t a cake walk but determination makes things happen. Excuses are a dime a dozen and they wont help you lose the fear, shift old wounds or stop the pain. I was once the queen of excuses so I know first hand how well that works. Once I started, there was no turning back. And I didn’t want to, it was that good to release the pressure of hiding it all behind a smooth facade. I tried all kinds of treatments, and my favorite was getting an Akashic Reading. It blew my mind, and forever changed how I saw myself and my “restrictions”.

getting my certificate

Getting Certified!

What is the Akashic? A Sankrit word that describes ether. This field is a vast energetic library that holds all the knowledge of past and present experiences of everything. Yes, your soul has a library. Who knew? Held in the space of unconditional love, which does not judge you. Only love you and easily shares tools and healing to rebuild your highway to happiness and growth.

That first Akashic reading changed me, literally. I went in with walls up. I had been hurt so much, dammit, I was not going to hurt again. But I desperately wanted to feel, to hold my daughter against my heart with compassion and see her for who she is. Not fix her, or find fault, just love her. That reading crumbled walls of fear and resistance so that I could learn to love without expectation. I signed up right away to become an Akashic Reader and Healer myself, it was that incredible, and in the process I found my soul calling.

I have lost decades of energetic weight, as I learned the skill and unlearned by baggage, and often have old friends asking me what happened? They tell me I glow and look years younger. The best part is I get to do the same for other people, help them move beyond the fear of fear. Discover the deeper meaning of their lives and take ownership of becoming who they long to be.

Yes there are many ways to get help, and only you know which one fits your path. If you are intrigued and want to know more, I invite you to check out my services page. Not ready to make a commitment? Sign up for my newsletter and keep in the loop.

Life is luscious when you eat the peach you pick from the bowl.

Jen

Changing names, changing fortunes

Numbers – what do they have to do with names?

As it turns out, everything.  Every letter has an equivalent number that gives it meaning, the root being one of 9 numbers from 1 through 9.
Each word adds up to a particular number vibration, giving us clues as to the effervescence and shadow in the sum of its parts.

goddess in stone

When I discovered that my current name had the potential to be fortunate or unfortunate in the present tense, I was fascinated.
Could it be that I had the option to choose my name vibration? I can’t change my birth name, and would not want to because that reveals my Destiny Number; what I am here to do, and a few other numbers that reveal more about how I show up in life.   Learning that the name I currently use activates the promise of my birth or makes it tougher, had me itching to find out more.   Madonna (like many artists) discovered when she dropped her last name, she activated the highly fortunate  27/9 vibration.  One of those fateful strokes of fortune, or perhaps she knew?

white 7

In 2011, I discovered this fascinating possibility.  But I hesitated because I chose reason not passion.    A few hundred dollars saved, because knowing my name number seemed like an unnecessary luxury.
Yet the question lingered  – was my name fortunate?  So a year  later,  I followed my instincts, and discovered hidden knowledge that changed my life forever.

I was shocked to discover, on getting my information that Jennifer Duchene, was a challenging current name vibration of 11.
This symbolizes two opposing energies which need to unite. Not only could it represent treachery from others, inherent in this number is an illusion of separation, which creates strife.  Bingo now it all made sense, no wonder I was confused about who I was and what I was focused on.
11/2 requires unification of disparate goals in one common cause and you know the funny part?  I never questioned that sense of division in my life until I discovered my current name number.  It all seemed natural, demanding and familiar.
The way I treated my name added fire to the flames.  I had chosen the name Jennifer Duchene as my professional moniker, sounds good right?  But the name didn’t feel right, so I let other people chose what to call me.   From Jen, Jenny to Jennifer and anything inbetween, I consistently gave away my power and confused the hell out of myself and the world.   Diluted and divided by multiple names, rushing down the river of life, each foot on a different log, on a collision with calamity.

Speaking in Los Angeles

To maximize my highest good, I chose Jen Duchene to be my lawful name.  Too short to diminish it, strong enough to stand tall.  In fact Jen Duchene resonates to the highly fortunate spiritual vibration of 17/8, representing Immortality and Infinity and the ability to rise above trials and difficulties from earlier in life, to conquer former failure in career and relationships. Bingo! A perfect fit to propel me forward, manifest my potential that I could lovingly surrender to.

After kicking myself in the rear for waiting before taking action I changed my life my slipping into my new name. February of 2013, found me in court to officially become a fortunate woman.
Firmly settled into my new identity a year later,grateful to be living in a vibration that enhances my birth blueprint, I manifested the perfect apartment, a month after the change. Opportunities continue to fall into my lap, to spur me on. Jennifer Duchene lives on, but for me she is history.
What of you?  Is your name fortunate?

Freedom is your choice

This is an exciting time we are living in.  Where change is more than a word, it becomes part of our living legacy doing life as an adventure. With the freedom to be naked in the crosshairs.  Choice is part of change, which takes courage. We can live comfortably continuing to swallow lies, or we can use the energy the numbers  speak of  to propel ourselves forward. Today is a 14/5 calendar day, the date 5.14 and the year 14/5 speak to the number the ancients called the number of the Scribe.   Known as the media number – where our voices meet in the marketplace.  Opinions, agreements, shocking or titillating news hit the broadband and bounce back at us, making a mess or cleaning one up.   Truthfully our culture demands change through the spoken or written word. The visual message of horror or happiness that we grieve over or delight in brings it all to the forefront.  The media is like a giant filter, scooping up everything and mashing it all together, sometimes in ways that have us scratching our head, or falling apart.   Of course you don’t have to share your shifts in the world media for it to change your life.   On a scribe kind of day, you might be drawn to describe what you are feeling or needing, so you can relieve the pressure or spread the joy.

Putting on a show

Five is a number that adds up to freedom, adventure, fearless self expression.  It sits on a rocker, open on both sides, and occupies that middle space between 1 and 9.  When the five is activated, it reminds us that freedom comes at a price. You can’t have freedom without boundaries..  If you travel to new lands, try new things, speak the unspoken, there is always risk.  Maybe you will love or hate it, perhaps you will need to cut cords, let go of what holds you back.  Change is a demanding mistress, and yet when you come into the world, you do so knowing your need to change, get clearer and more connected to your voice and soul.  It is the eye of the storm thing.  Life around you can stir up all kinds of things, and it will.   In fact the word LIFE itself adds up to a 23/5.   You need only one sure thing in the storm.  To know your boundaries in any given moment.  What will you risk?  What will you hold?  What makes you a better expression of you and what holds you hostage?

Picture 83

There is another significant five in this day, of the full Scorpio moon in May.  Exact at 23/5,  with the sun in opposition at the same degree 23/5.  Which reveals the struggle between our emotions  (the moon) sometimes she wants us to hide, protect or make it easy for others,  and the sun – our conscious masculine energy that wants us to shine a light on the belly of darkness.   Emotions do better in the light, our voices too.   When ever I think about Freedom,  I think about that song that Janice Joplin sang  – ‘Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose’  That is true.  Surrender means you stop worrying about the outcome and focus on feeding your soul.  Joyous expansion and creative strides are made when you don’t fear what you can’t control.   Follow your heart, your intuition and sense of adventure.

This is your magic ride. What do you need to release, and gather to enjoy the freedom of being you?

Why you need to trust your intuition now

New beginnings can make us want to curl up and hide.  Or dance in the rain.

I am curled up under the blankets.  I want to dance in the downpour but I am too comfortable to move.  Poised for change, and listening to my intuition.  Perfect energy for new beginnings.

rain

March, a 10 Universal month, has been all about new beginnings. Perhaps like me, you revisited a frozen half forgotten moment from your past and let go of an outdated emotion? Started down a wet and wild soul path.

1 and 0 signify the beginning and end. Old and new, and everything in between. Nothing is sacred and all is significant when you strip down to bare beliefs and build up again.  Universal code and binary forms get your soul motor started  by signaling us when it is time to begin fresh by laying old beasts to rest. Composting means there is more room for something different. Often we shift without thinking because without a road map or compass things just seem to happen. And that can bring unexpected weather.  Being a number junkie and an astro numerologist gives me insight into this journey of growth, what is coming up and why.  How cool is that?  I get to help my clients discover their blueprint to happiness or at least to transition the waves with confidence.

April bursts in on us with a powerful wave.  An 11 Universal month symbolizing double new beginnings, piggybacks March’s message. 11 is just what it looks like.  A gateway that demands we step through and master the challenge of accepting our bold newness.  Since it is a 7 year, ( 2+0+1+4 = 7) this month is all about trusting your intuition.  Going back to your own basics and building on that throughout the remainder of the year.  What you believe and act on today creates tomorrow’s form.

Seven is a highly spiritual number that requires turning thought into matter.   What matters to you?  Only you can know where you are en route to or from on your path and where you want to land up.  Your belief is a structure that builds up your bridge and umbrella..

And the numbers don’t end there.  April is the fourth calendar month and four shows up again and again as a marker this month. We have a rare Grand Cross which connects the 4 Cardinal signs in a square and cross.  Each planet will be at 13 degrees during the peak, which is a four that signifies death and rebirth. The resurrection.  Think Easter and Passover. Both festivals stand for ends and beginnings that are intense and powerful.  The square creates friction and requires movement or tear to release the tension.  Just like the number 4, which symbolizes laying foundations by changing ideas into matter, more new beginnings.  On either side of this Grand Cross which occurs on April 22 (another 4) known as the architect of peace, we have two eclipses both invoking major energy.   The first eclipse falls on April 13, in itself a four day, intensifying the energy and the second falls on 4/29 which is an 11 universal day.

Change frees you, when you allow it..  April is a month of intense earth shaking shifts, on that demands we keep moving through the fear.  Use the numbers to connect your dots. Seven is about nature and nurture, eleven is asking your to move and shake it out and four is telling you new beginnings are an opportunity for you to set the foundations to manifest what you want to see in the world.  Revolutionary and revalationary is all in the numbers creating that renaissance to be you down to your soul socks.   Lean in as much as you can to welcome the shaking if you can’t cope ask for help. Eleven or two ones become two which is the number of connection and communication.  Hone your intuition to navigate this month of opportunity. and become a wiser and more effective team player,