Hiding behind a wall

Man in a rice bowl  – woke up with that thought in my head.

What does that mean?

Then comes the thought, a woman in a rice bowl. I think “like white on rice” and suddenly I know what that means.  I never understood that phrass. Odd for a person who thinks in color.  White on rice disapears.

That is what I have been trying to do.  Disappear, deny, pretend.  Make all the pain go away.

 

Holding it back – all the humiliation and invasion into my being that made me hide.  For almost 50 years.  Layers of moments of astonishment and joy in life, that were dashed by careless hands.

Feeling betrayed, stood upon, violated.  Suppressing myself, so I would feel like white on rice.

 

Source: images.marthastewart.com via Kendal on Pinterest

 

I pushed it all in, bagged and boiled it.  I built a wall of glass between myself and feelings.   The anger that would wash over me when I was hurt was its own shield.  Protecting me from pain, finding so many cracks to fill and smooth out.

My emotions were tidied away with a bow.

Crying or admitting pain.  Telling someone they hurt me, was so hard.  Letting people in was impossible.  A woman separated by a bowl of rice from the world.

Fluffy yet holding me trapped.  You can’t wade out of a bowl of rice without a guide.

 

Last Saturday was a turning point in turning points for me.  I signed up  for Breakthrough Coaching  Client Attraction MBA with Brandy Mychals and Vinca Heart  to smash that glass into pieces.

I released years of pain & separation. I cried like a baby, and the walls cracked and tumbled. People told me they could see the years lift.   I can bring people right up to my heart.

I learned that is is safe to come out of hiding.  I can trust.

 

Are you hiding from experiences in your youth?  Do you surpress your feelings because you were taught to pretend?  Comment below to share, and know you are not alone.

 

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