“There are times in my life when I have been medicine for some while poison for others. I used to think I was a victim of my story until I realized the truth that I am the creator of my story. I choose what type of person I will be and what type of impact I will leave on others. I will never choose the destructive path of self and outward victimization again.”
Are you waiting for approval? Longing to be liked or seen? Does it feel as if other people are to blame for your problems or lack of success? I used to think that other people’s actions stole my power. There wasn’t enough love, acceptance, or space to get what I wanted, or to pursue my dreams.
Depressed, angry and sad were familiar friends, we had our own clubhouse. There appeared to be no-one to champion my cause or to care. Questions would run through my mind and show on other people’s lips like ‘why can’t I be like so and so?’
Movomg through the molasses to get things done seemed impossible, time kept sliding out of my grasp. Other people’s feelings, needs, wants, and the guilt of causing pain to loved ones was debilitating. I lived in a fog with no compass.
Being raised with the good girl malaise, learning to indirectly speak my mind, or at least let everyone know of my discontent by embracing the secretive world of manipulation. Maybe you know what I mean – saying or doing things that a spouse/ ‘best’ friend/ mother etc didn’t like, getting defensive, and getting zapped, into isolation. Did you ever find yourself apologizing, back peddling, revisiting scenarios in your mind like a dog with a bone, while mopping up the mess? Twisting into a people pleasing pretzel, thinking if you just keep the peace, all will be well. Your survival kit bag, this good girl’s reward.
Lost in a pile of laundry, getting out the stains. Trying to show up spotless, and perfect without knowing the secret code. And perhaps like me you became a rebel in the dark, fighting ghosts. Streaming all resources into building a wall no one could pass. Living the plight of the well behaved woman.
Shamed, and shaming- a cycle with no loophole.
Until that moment, when I understood I was keeping a vigil in victimhood. Blame or waiting for a good word would not bring the approval I craved. I would never change my circumstance if I failed to change me.
To have value you must see your value. I had to get my head out of that dead space to see the beauty in my life. To paint my own canvas, and rub out all the markings made by others. Your value is intrinsic. Every time someone makes you feel bad, pause. Breathe in deeply, connect to your source and look at what is coming up. What belief or behavior of yours needs adjusting so this reflection loses its sting? How do you stop being defined by limits and start believing in your potential? How do you shift from waiting for approval to compassion? How high is your wall? I would love to hear your thoughts in a comment below
If you are still struggling to release the weight of not being good enough I invite you to sign up for a clarity session with me.
Joie de VivreJen