Free to be me

What does it mean to be independent?
We have all these unspoken rules of behavior, a sort of moral code that we navigate life with.  Bound to behave in a certain way, like keeping other people happy and ignoring our own inherent need for freedom.

butterfly jen quote

5 is the number of freedom.  In fact the word freedom vibrates to that number.  All of us at some point of in our lives have to play in 5 energy. Whether it is a number that shows up in your numeric code or not.   And 5 is the number of change.

In that careful navigation we  get lost  in our eagerness to please others, assuming that “THEY” the moral police, know what matters to us. Wanting to make our loved ones happy, because we are trained to believe if we make them happy, we would be happy.

Having lived much of my life by that “THEY SAY”  people code,  carefully balancing all the bits so I wouldn’t offend anyone or take advantage, i know first hand what happens when we ignore our desire to be free.   We trap ourselves in self denial.

Making a fool of myself or standing out, perhaps by offending someone because I didn’t agree with them was out of the question.  Instead I stuffed down my truth so I could carry a flag for someone else’s.     I had opinions but they were like butterflies trapped in a bell jar.  Going nowhere.

Doing right by other’s makes sense, and we do learn much of this as children.  You may not have been encouraged to be all you could be.  Oh you might have heard the words, but what went on behind closed doors was seldom about living free.

numbers pic 7

None of us are meant to be a carbon copy or an exact match yet, in that need to please, we twist ourselves into places that damage us deeply.  On the surface my life looked lovely as a child, and in many ways it was.   People thought my mom was such a hoot, they wanted one just like her.  She was incredible and I love her dearly, but she was also full of her own shadows.   She wanted freedom and felt trapped by her fears, and I felt shut out.   When you live with someone, you can find your rhythm in theirs, and you learn how it is ‘supposed’ to be.  This is not reality, it is a form of moral bullshit.  I didn’t know better then and neither did she, but I do know what I need now.  Hallelujah!

My mom’s number 7, kept her emotionally aloof, because she unconsciously chose shadow from of her experiences growing up.  It is in a mind number that can over think things, and get people trapped in the past. This clashed with my number 6, which is all about family love, and brought forth my people pleaser, who became my safety buffer.  6 can become a martyr with high expectations that lead to lots of disappointment, when in shadow. Unlike its power behavior which is all about taking responsibility for self and loving people for who they are.
Yes, that was me.  A 6 in shadow, because I put pleasing others in front of my needs, thinking (my number 7) I was doing the right thing.  Except it brought out the worst in me, and made me feel wronged.  I couldn’t reason with the result nor makes sense of my fear.

I learned to pretend that all was well, so much so, that I had absolutely no idea what made me happy.  My mom and I were both living in the shadow of our numbers without knowing it. And my mom was only one example of how I thought I needed to be someone else, in order to be loved ergo free.

actually it does matterAs a result I constantly found myself denying what mattered to me.  In fact “it doesn’t matter” is a saying I said so many times, I believed it.  But the truth is it does matter.  It took good friends who love me for who I am now, to remind me that if I bring up something, it is because it matters.  And thats ok.  I am allowed to speak up for what matters to me.  Just as you are allowed to speak up about what matters to you.

Part of owning my individuality.  Standing up for myself is in listening and hearing not only truths from others, but also my own inner truth.  Being ok with all of me, so I can evolve.  Of course having the wisdom of my numbers to draw on helps, too. Now I have a sense of compassion for my mom and me.  It really does make life easier.  Your inner truths must line up with your outer truths.

Knowing my numbers frees me, because I recognize the shadow and I know how to move from shadow into light.  Being free to be me, also means I can’t blame others for what shows up in my life.   Yes, it is a responsibility, and it is a relief.  I feel light and joyful in sharing my experiences and thoughts without guilt or shame.   I feel rich in this freedom.

What of you?   What does freedom mean to you?

If you want to discover your Success Numbers so you can freely live on purpose, and in joy, take a look at my services page.

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