I have been the quintessential polite woman, stifling my thoughts, swallowing my voice. With a deep seated fear of not being safe or belonging Being kicked out of the tribe.
When I was a kid I literally learned to swallow my laughter, because I was mocked to the point of wounding for being a loud laughter. Fortunately time, and me coming to my senses has freed my laughter. I remember when I would get upset with my family and try to yell. My ex would tell me I couldn’t yell if I tried. Yes the yelling would get stuck in my throat, it would hurt. I would get so mad that I would cry or laugh out of fear. Even now that pain settles in my heart. Even though I am not the girl or woman I once was. I am braver and more vulnerable. I still have the emotional scarring. I am still trapped in my story. Fortunately it gets easier to own the pain and have compassion for my self, and for those teachers in my life.
I can still laugh, and I do so with great gusto. I enjoy the release and reverberation of the sound of laughter. Like music. I can see an opera of laughs. In fact someone I know delivers laughs for a living. I love that. I also love the idea of letting go of the need to yell, or to be a bitch.
I am learning that the most powerful voice of all is the one of knowing. Standing in who I am, and asking and expecting for what I want. I am not a pushover, because I am polite. It’s not about blaming anyone else, or stewing in fear that I wont get my turn. It’s about showing up to be my polite self without doing a 360 Jekyll and hide dance. Learning to say no, letting go of blaming the world and being assertive without being a bitch. Bringing the people around me into my love circle. Making my own nest, my personal Le Chic Cocoon.
What about you? What are you doing to leave the bitch at the door and open up your arms to more of the good stuff?