Yesterday I stood up in front of my speaker jam group and shared a few thoughts and emotions around intimacy, that had me in tears. Tears of joy!
I was talking about the other type of intimacy, being present in the space with those we love. Touching them with heart and hand. Hugging and holding them. Listening to their pain, without a solution on your lips.
Finally, I can open my arms and hold my daughter with gentleness and love, letting her know, without words, that I hear and acknowledge her pain. I don’t need to disengage to fix or calculate what the next right thing is to say. Viscerally, we both know that this is her journey, and she must walk her path.
How willing are you to show up present, and open in a space of emotion not mind?
For me this has been a lifelong quest, to crack open the yolk of my inner sensitivity so I can proudly wear my heart on my sleeve.
An ongoing battle in my determination to get real. Laying down armor of years to cut through closely guarded protective layers so I could really feel in my heart. Growing up I didn’t learn much about intimacy, except to hide my tears and disappointment. I would hear more in the “stop crying, or I will give you something to cry about” vein, and “children should be seen and not heard” to believe that my pain mattered. Crying was shameful and weak. Not to be tolerated.
If you can’t feel pain and anger enough to voice it and have it validated, a lot of bottling up happens. All that emotion gets stuck in your cells, programming all kinds of fissures that leak out into manipulating and controlling yourself and the environment you are in. Yup. That was my story. I knew the answer for everything because I had to. Answers kept me safe. Other people hurting was terrifying.
Actively I sought to shift, having vowed that I was going to give my daughter something more than a perfunctory get on with it. Oh, I bought into that school for a long time. And we fought constantly. Me trying to “make” her see my way. Demanding she get up follow my timing, berating her when she couldn’t get with the program. Getting so steamed up that she couldn’t do what I decided was needed.
But I was a hypocrite, because while I raged and demanded and built up a mountain of stress, I couldn’t pull myself together. Locked in step with the army of should, behaving badly and unable to break the cycle of placating, being nice and then suddenly losing my temper, getting remorseful and then beginagin.
Spiritual awakening, seeking help in unusual places brought out my secret side. The one I had buried so long ago. Getting Akashic Readings opened me up to a deeper level of my soul. Ah yes, I have shed a river of tears and found a sense of self. Now I can feel my roots and yes hold my daughter with true compassion, with no agenda. Free to be me, and give her the room to be who she is, a wise empowered wonderfully centered woman, who constantly delights me.
What of you? How are you doing on the feeling and being scale?