Proudly wearing Heart on Sleeve

Yesterday I stood up in front of my speaker jam group and shared a few thoughts and emotions around intimacy, that had me in tears.  Tears of joy!

I was talking about the other type of intimacy, being present in the space with those we love. Touching them with heart and hand. Hugging and holding them. Listening to their pain, without a solution on your lips.

dancing girl

Finally, I can open my arms and hold my daughter with gentleness and love, letting her know, without words, that I hear and acknowledge her pain.   I don’t need to disengage to fix or calculate what the next right thing is to say.    Viscerally, we both know that this is her journey, and she must walk her path.

 How willing are you to show up present, and open in a space of emotion not mind?

For me this has been a lifelong quest, to crack open the yolk of my inner sensitivity so I can proudly wear my heart on my sleeve.

An ongoing battle in my determination to get real.  Laying down armor of years to cut through closely guarded protective layers so I could really feel in my heart. Growing up I didn’t learn much about intimacy, except to hide my tears and disappointment.  I would hear more in the “stop crying, or I will give you something to cry about” vein, and “children should be seen and not heard” to believe that my pain mattered.   Crying was shameful and weak.  Not to be tolerated.

If you can’t feel pain and anger enough to voice it and have it validated, a lot of bottling up happens.   All that emotion gets stuck in your cells, programming all kinds of fissures that leak out into manipulating and controlling yourself and the environment you are in.  Yup.  That was my story.   I knew the answer for everything because I had to.   Answers kept me safe.  Other people hurting was terrifying.

Actively I sought to shift, having vowed that I was going to give my daughter something more than a perfunctory get on with it. Oh, I bought into that school for a long time.  And we fought constantly.  Me trying to “make” her see my way.  Demanding she get up follow my timing, berating her when she couldn’t get with the program. Getting so steamed up that she couldn’t do what I decided was needed.

But I was a hypocrite, because while I raged and demanded and built up a mountain of stress, I couldn’t pull myself together.  Locked in step with the army of should, behaving badly and unable to break the cycle of placating, being nice and then suddenly losing my temper, getting remorseful and then beginagin.

Spiritual awakening, seeking help in unusual places brought out my secret side.  The one I had buried so long ago.   Getting Akashic Readings opened me up to a deeper level of my soul. Ah yes, I have shed a river of tears and  found a sense of self.  Now I can feel my roots and yes hold my daughter with true compassion, with no agenda. Free to be me, and give her the room to be who she is, a wise empowered wonderfully centered woman, who constantly delights me.
What of you?  How are you doing on the feeling and being scale?

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Proudly wearing Heart on Sleeve — 4 Comments

  1. Jen, this is beautiful. Being emotional and authentic can be so threatening and difficult. My daughter is in a raging phase and it’s very tough to ride those emotional waves with her. As a psychologist, I sat for many hours witnessing the pain of others. It’s different when it’s someone we love.

    • Thank you so much Gloria. It can indeed be threatening and difficult. Ah yes I remember those raging days well. How true, when it is someone we love, we are in a whole different space.

  2. I do have to say that I am actually very good at holding the space for my childrens emotions and just holding them through it. I am proud of myself for that one. By no means a perfect parent, as none of us are, but this one I do well.

  3. Oh yes, I grew up just as you did and it took a long time for me to allow myself the gift of just being me and not caring what others thought when I was vulnerable. In the early years of raising my kids I found myself become volcanic in that way as well – holding too tight to trying to be level and then exploding because I couldn’t contain the anger any longer. That was not good for anyone! I’m glad I changed my ways before it got out of control. Our experiences growing up definitely come into play in our adulthood and the more we try to not allow that or at least not tap into it and heal it, the stronger it shows itself until we do. Thanks for the great reminder, good post!

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